Cub3d

Why Men In Sweaters Are The Tops
by Ginger Deegan



I can already smell the cherry blossom buds and taste the free Rita's Italian ice. Spring is upon us!

After months of cursing mother nature for being a flat out bitch, I think she finally wants to get back in my good graces. She must know how much I love spring dresses and my adorable - yet functional - rain boots.

So all should be well, right?

Sadly, no. Because while this change in season brings me much happiness, it also comes with much sadness. I must say goodbye to men in sweaters.

[a pause for everyone's "this sucks" realization sighs]

No, this isn't a piece about how to make men sexier. If that was the goal I would focus entirely on superficial yet wonderful qualities men should possess, such as having beards, speaking foreign languages, and always keeping wine and cheese in the fridge.

Men in sweaters are just the tops.

I really shouldn't need to elaborate on this because it would be a waste of time, like trying to explain why pancakes are really THE best drunk food ever. Its just how it is. But alas, I'll humor you all...

Sweaters transform a boy into a handsome, smart, and funny man. Men in sweaters (bonus if they are soft and/or have an argyle pattern) demand attention, and attention they will get.

Sweaters for men are like tights for ladies: the best way to show off that bod during those harsh winter months. They are dressy but not in the douchey I put on yet another blue stripped button-up shirt way. They scream Yes! I do care enough about how I look to take the extra 2.5 minutes (.5 minutes picking said sweater up off the floor and 2 minutes putting it on the "fresh" cycle of the drying machine) before going out!

It isn't just about sex appeal. They have the ability to alter someone like my brother – who thinks donning Jansport tees is the height of sophistication - into a productive member of society. With a sweater on, he looks less like someone who spent all day playing WOW and watching Netflix and more like someone who spent merely an afternoon playing WOW and watching Netflix.

Dear sweater-hating men: I know what you are thinking. Sweaters are too constricting on the holiday pounds (you're still carrying in March). Sweaters are only for men who watch GLEE. Sweaters don't show off my awesome (what I hope says) "hope" Chinese symbol arm tattoo.

I would like to say something to these men, however. My mother taught me a valuable lesson as a child: you can't rationalize with irrational people.

I guess it's time for me to just accept the spring/summer man dress code of oversized, ill-fitting Polos and would be funny if I didn't have to see you wear it every week graphic tees. The horror.

For those of you who are visual learners, I leave you with two images.

Image 1: Rando men in sweaters hanging out and being cool with other fashionable pals

Image 2: Rando man, who can't even muster up more than a half smile, in an oversized polo. Alone.