Cub3d

The Chase Happened: An Epitaph
by Christo Armstrong



The unconventional lifestyle has always appealed to me. When I was 8 years old, I dreamed that one day my brother and I would grow up to become surfing trash collectors/private detectives. The hours, the union pay, the adventure – could life really be any more awesome?

Charlie Sheen’s acting career alone tears “unconventional” a new orifice. I mean, he simultaneously jumped out of a Jeep and off a bridge while he was high (on life or angel dust) in Navy Seals.

His personal life is the stuff of legend.

The Chase is possibly the finest movie that Sheen has ever done. And that's because it is entirely autobiographical. In fact, he is playing his future self. Weird, yes. But as ridiculous as it sounds, it’s completely true.

You see, back in the late 80's, Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen uncovered a time machine that was buried on the set of Red Dawn. It was with this time machine that Sheen traveled to the year 2011 to peer deep into his future, finding himself there as he is today. When he returned to 1994, he decided to tell the story of his future life. The Chase was produced shortly thereafter.

Here’s a taste (spoiler alert):

The movie picks up in the future-past, as Charlie Sheen is coming off a tranny-coke bender after filming several Two And-a-Half Men episodes. He has lost his short term memory and is disoriented. He comes to in the parking lot of a mini mart after a quick nap in the VW he stole from some asshole (the frightened Four Seasons valet who insisted that, no Mr Sheen that’s the wrong car, your Porsche will be brought around shortly, I assure you). As any great Thespian would, Sheen quickly adapts and assumes a John Rambo meets Neo character - the ultimate stoic bad ass with hint of charm - because chicks f’n dig it.

Composing himself, he enters the convenience store and is greeted by a pair of star-struck police officers who begin whispering to each other. Aggravated, he attempts to avoid them, interrupting only when they chant “Quack, Quack, Quack,” as he insists that it was in fact his brother Emilio who played the coach in The Mighty Ducks, not him. One officer presses him for an autograph for his daughter, telling Charlie he was pretty funny in Major League.

A hush falls upon the room as Sheen cringes.
“What did you say?” he asks.
They pause.
“I am Major League, Mother Fucker!”

Sheen pulls out a revolver and holds it to the clerk’s temple, catching the now wide-eyed Officers off their guard. He makes sure to grab some cigarettes and Bubblicious from the display by the register as he takes his exit, gun in hand. He stuffs super-foxy Kristy Swanson (owner of possibly the sexiest short haircut of the 90's, or ever) into a red BMW, hot-wires it (with his cock), and heads to the highway for some quasi-flirtatious banter, vigilance, and sex.

Shortly thereafter, Sheen is pursued by a string of police cars. Accompanied by a camera crew in the car directly behind him are Officers Henry Rollins and the chubby principle from Billy Madison. The movie then turns to an episode of COPS meets the OJ Simpson helicopter chase footage, which fills up the remaining 80 minutes of feature-filmy goodness.

Anyway, you can probably guess the ending from what you've seen on Fox and Friends. But if not, it's also available instantly on Netflix.