Cub3d

Pancakes Are a Meal Best Served to Those with Alcohol Poisoning
by Patrick Dolan

Y ou remember that time. Saturday morning, around 9:30 am, you’re doing your childly duty and sitting in front of the TV. You just jackknife power-bombed your younger siblings for the remote because—damn it—you wanted to watch Thundercats, not Doug!

Your parents stroll into the kitchen in what seems to be a particularly good mood (let’s pretend we're still foolish children without a nose for booze, and that we don't know why that smile is actually on their face).They announce matter-of-factly “How about pancakes?"

HOLLLLLLLY SHIT! YES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES!

They never want to make pancakes! All that work, all that mess to clean up. And who wants to deal with flour? Not me. Cartwheels, back flips and faux-karate moves from all members of the wild brood soon ensue. You might even have gotten down on your knees and thanked the Lord for this blessing. For it is only once or twice a year that pancakes are bestowed upon His humble servants!

To this day even, all of us, every one of us, we still feel excited when somebody says "Hey, how about pancakes?" You can’t help but feel excited.

And then the inevitable let down. Anything that happens this infrequently (which your parents treated as a reward) must be Divine Intervention, right?

WRONG, FRIENDO!

Anyone over the age of 16 knows this: only a night spent drinking heavily until at least 3 am produces such an appetite for pancakes. I mean, what's a stack of pancakes, really? A plate of bread with little liquid sugar on it? I dare you right now go get that loaf of wonder bread you bought for sandwiches (for when you finally start bringing your lunch to work) and tell me that stack of bread is not pedestrian at best.

Next time you're in the mood for some breakfast, perhaps next Sunday, head over to the local diner/International House Of Overatedbreakfastfoods. Take a look around and see who ordered straight pancakes.

Nobody over the age of 12 orders straight pancakes. And if they do, Breathalyze them immediately.